Three years, 4 months, and a lifetime ago.

Grief is a strange beast. She rears up unexpectedly, flooding you with such profound sadness. Reminding you how big the hole is in your heart.

Yesterday, I was having lunch with friends. We were having lovely conversation, when out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Carol. My heart about leapt out of my body with excitement – it only lasted a split second – and then I saw it wasn’t her. The let down, the disappointment, was extraordinary. I cried out, startling my companions. It was momentary, it passed quickly, but oh my. How my body reacted shocked me,  after all this time.

I never forget about her. She isn’t every far from my thoughts. I talk about her a lot, and  that sharp pain, the breathlessness, the increased heart rate that went on for months on end, all that has gone away. But the yearning hasn’t.

The yearning for her is still there. My beautiful girl. Tears still fall regularly, but I know I won’t die without her anymore. And I’ve done so much since she died. All because she died, I think in most likelihood.

But I’d undo it all. Just to have her here again.

 

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